Past, Present, and Future
by SetoAngel01
Summary: Ash reluctantly recalls her past (and rather disastrous) relationship with her ex, Lance, while simultaneously looking forward toward her and Johnny's upcoming wedding.


**Past, Present, and Future**

 **Rated: T**

 _Story Summary: Ash reluctantly recalls her past (and rather disastrous) relationship with her ex, Lance, while looking forward toward her and Johnny's upcoming wedding._

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 **OMG, I feel horrible for being so tardy for this but I dedicate this as a** _ **very**_ **late birthday gift to my wonderful friend, thewinterme! You are amazing and it's so fun talking about our obsessions and bouncing ideas off each other and just randomly spazzing out over shit lol. I'm sorry this is so late and not exactly what I planned to write for you initially, but sometimes, it just works out that way!**

 **Love you and I hope your birthday was awesome! 3**

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The past didn't come up often for Ash was more focused on the present - the future - but for some reason...it haunted her tonight.

Icy blue eyes lazily traced the contours of the gorilla's sleeping face; the light from the flickering television painting his fur and skin in flashes of blues and greens while her hand reached up to trace where her eyes had just laid. Over his cheek, furry brow ridges, down his nose and philtrum before brushing her thumb across the expanse of his thick lips. She smiled when they pursed as if kissing the tip of her finger in his sleep.

Out of seemingly nowhere, Johnny throatily groaned, shifting a bit in his sleep before stilling again; his body wonderfully warm and fur luxuriously soft from where he further pressed into her side.

Ash pulled her hand away not really wanting to wake him up but was sorely tempted for her mind would not rest. The past events of her short life bombarding her subconscious and keeping her from dreaming with him. Resting her head upon his bare chest, heartbeat pleasant in her ear as she lazily circled her fingers over his gray skin and ghosting the edges of where the fur began.

It had been the third time this week she'd woken up in the middle of the night and she wasn't exactly sure what to do. She should have been over this _years_ ago - four years since she dumped Lance's cheating ass and her career started, three since her and Johnny started dating, one since they started living together, and a month since Johnny asked her to be his wife; the engagement ring almost a comforting weight on her left middle digit. The flat gems embedded in the metal catching the light and sparkling beautifully as she turned it - looking past the jewelry to gaze longingly at her future-husband's sleeping face.

This was her present - he was her future…so why the **hell** was this bothering her now?

A strange belittling feeling gnawing at her gut. Thoughts of her ex came from what seemed to be a past lifetime haunting her sweet rest inexplicably out of nowhere. So little had he ever even entered her subconscious since her and Johnny became serious about their budding romance - so why _now_?

Sure, it sucked to admit, but she believed Lance kinda shaped her in a way - she spent so long under his thumb, so why wouldn't it? Yet still, it stemmed out of his indifference, lack of encouragement, and subconsciously putting her down over the years was more obvious now - perhaps the main reason why the doubts plagued her sleep.

The instances where he shaped her personality; for so long after their break up, she'd been pushing people away - terrified of them hurting her too. Pushing her own insecurities on people; believing that everyone had Lance's same twisted intentions but the more she thought about it, the more she pulled back the blinders and acknowledged that not everyone was like Lance…

 **Especially** Johnny.

Blue eyes skirted over said gorilla's chest to rest for a few moments more on his slack face. The hesitance at first to date him when he asked sixth months after their life-changing performance. This was her best friend - someone she hung out with and knew better than most people she'd known her whole life. It took awhile, but he was an open book to her while she still kept way too much hidden under lock and key until little by little, he chipped away at her icy exterior. Pain and resentment she harbored and never let go of - fears she pushed on other people to keep her from experiencing that same agony again.

Yet, he convinced her.

Somehow between practices, performances, and time spent outside of work, Johnny convinced her to date him…and like a glutton for punishment - she finally said yes.

It was immediate.

The differences astounding.

Sure, it was just dinner at a moderately-priced sit-down chain restaurant but Johnny pulled out her chair, held open doors for her, paid for dinner without even blinking, not to mention all the other romantic cliche bullshit you see in movies such as showing up on her porch with flowers in hand upon picking her up.

Ash would have believed he was putting on a show but firstly, Johnny wasn't the greatest actor, and two, he still did it when they were just friends even if it was much more apparent now. Taking her home at the end of the night without expecting a kiss - rather a slight wave after he walked her to her door and wished her a good night.

Overall, it was a first date any girl would be pleased with...and she was even if it had her recalling and comparing it against her and Lance's first date what seemed like an eternity ago.

A ramshackle McDonald's on a bad side of town where Lance "forgot" his wallet so she had to shell out her modest allowance to pay for both of their crappy value menu meals. After they finished eating and having painful awkward conversation in their piss-smelling booth while sharing a cloyingly sweet milkshake, he leaned in to kiss her out of nowhere. Her first kiss was with a cute dude who smelt like french fry oil, his dad's old cologne and still had a bit of vanilla shake lingering on his lips.

… _lucky her…_

She was fourteen - at the time, she thought it was kinda romantic - what a fucking moron she was.

Yet fast-forward six years later to her first kiss with Johnny, a whole three months since their first date.

Two of them were dining at a rooftop cafe - one of the nicer places she'd ever been. The whole city alight and you could see for miles. Ash hadn't even known this place existed and yet Ash still felt a pang. Wondering if Johnny had taken a past girlfriend here - even though he denied ever dating before (a guy that handsome and kindhearted that had never been on a date was a _little_ disconcerting).

Mainly because it just didn't make sense.

Yeah, she shouldn't care for she was with a guy for five years (even living with him for three) but it still had her stomach churning at the thought of someone else enjoying Johnny's company in such a beautiful place with him looking as good as he did…

"You having a nice time?" he asked, taking her out of her unwarranted jealous thoughts by gingerly wrapping his arm around her slight shoulders. It came as a shock how little he cared about her quills; how indifferent he was to getting poked and pricked every once in awhile even while Lance kept fair distance since day one.

"Yeah." she answered, nursing a warm cup of coffee in her palms and staring out at the city. It looked so much prettier at night. "It could be worse, I guess." she teased and Johnny just chuckled.

Ash's fur prickled pleasantly at the sensation of his laugh reverberating through his chest and brushing against her side. It still shocked her that she made him laugh - she'd never been known to be particularly funny (especially according to Lance) but to Johnny, she was.

"I'm glad it's at least up to your high standards." Johnny commented a moment later and Ash couldn't help but look at him when he suddenly grasped her shoulder and pulled her tighter to his side.

Ash willingly melted into him.

Body warm and effectively keeping the cooling breeze from ruffling her embarrassingly short dress up. In the back of her mind, she was berating herself for not wearing leggings but it soon didn't matter. His warmth encapsulated her small form as he cradled her to his side. The wooden bench as well as the view of the city faded away when his eyes caught hers. Chestnut brown and warmer than a summer day - kindness seeping out between the flecks of amber and coffee browns.

The most beautiful eyes she'd ever seen or frankly, ever would.

Then Johnny smiled at her - white canines peeking out between gray and pink tinted lips - a smile so genuine and perfect; causing the lines around his eyes to wrinkle, and dammit, why was absolutely _everything_ about him so beautiful?

A moment she'd never forget and right then in a second in which the world around the two of them faded away - it happened. She wasn't sure exactly who moved first. Only recalling the barest hints of her subconsciously tugging on his button-up shirt and pulling him down slightly closer to her. Johnny's smile faltered for only a second as he glanced down at her own mouth before, with the barest hints of hesitation, his lips were suddenly pressing over hers.

Breath literally getting caught in her throat as she absorbed that it was actually happening. A kiss she'd thought about multiple times before but all her late night imaginings couldn't dare compare to the astounding reality. Johnny's lips were so soft and incredibly gentle as they brushed her own in the chastest kiss she'd ever experienced. It may have been a bit uncoordinated on his part and there was an obvious sense he had no idea what to do, but she wouldn't have changed that for the world.

It lasted only a second until his mouth departed but she was nowhere near ready for it to be over.

Giving into the sensation and not wanting it ever to stop, she chased his mouth; kissing him fully and deeply. Tilting her head just the slightest bit to the left to intensify the moment further. Johnny for the most part stayed still and allowed her to lead their kiss; not at all just a passive participant in the slightest though. Johnny was learning through gentle coercion how he should exactly fit his larger mouth on hers…and _fuck_ , he was a fast learner.

A more pessimistic part of her wondered if he'd kissed before with the passion he displayed but when he suddenly cradled her face and she felt the slight tremor in his palm as he awkwardly tried to further deepen their liplock - those doubts dissipated and she found herself _so_ inexplicably happy that she was the first to experience his kiss.

Back of her eyes burning tremendously as she in turn lifted her paws to cradle his cheeks; gentle guiding him into an even more passionate kiss. Neither caring in the slightest of the fellow diners and waitstaff near them - only focusing on the other in this pinprick of time that would remain tenderly nestled in her heart forever…

Ash's only hope was he felt the same.

Time seemed to go far too smoothly after that. Johnny and her transitioning to a real couple was so entirely seamless. Growing closer, spending even more time together in and out of the theater, and the other memorable moment of the initial occurrence when those stolen kisses turned into far more…

The night Johnny gave the last of his firsts to her and she knew for certain that she never wanted anything more than him for the rest of her life.

Recalling his nervousness and trembling hands as he cradled her naked form and he awkwardly positioned himself atop of her. Johnny was just precious; stammering a bit, cheeks flushed a gorgeous crimson shade when he asked her again if she was sure that she wanted him in this way. Ash smiled so big, hands roaming the thick fur on his hips and stomach when she didn't verbally answer; only nodded her consent for what had to be the dozenth time that night before kissing right above his naval. It required patience and perseverance, but damn, was the end result worth waiting for.

Johnny making sweet love to her for the first time would forever be worth the wait...

When his hips rocked against hers and he muttered out his declarations of love throughout, Ash wanted to cry at just how amazing it was. Not just the physical sensations either (even if they were fucking incredible) - his closeness, his passion, and unwavering gentleness during the act. Only Johnny in his gentle nature could make it possible to where a massive gorilla could make love to a delicate porcupine. Johnny focusing on her pleasure and comfort during were his top priority; something Lance never did.

Johnny didn't have sex with her - he made love to her…and for Ash, it might as well have been her first as well.

Before she knew it, they had been dating for two years.

Johnny spending much more time at her place than at his own and to Ash, the question seemed innocent enough. Ash offered him to move in with her…and he readily agreed. The boyish smile pulling at the edges of his lips so charming and precious she wanted to preserve every single one he bestowed on her.

The day he brought his last suitcase to make the move complete, he handed her an envelope. Ash opened it and to her surprise, it was enough for half of that month's rent plus upcoming utilities. Ash glanced up curiously at Johnny and he seemed surprised when she muttered out,

"What's this for?"

Johnny laughed then, telling her he intended to pay for his half of rent and other expenses - he refused to be a burden, financial or otherwise. Further explaining that they were partners as well as a couple and it seemed painfully obvious to him but to her, it was something new. She had been used to paying for everything in her household that she felt rather foolish to assume anything else but Johnny brushed it off easily, and for that, she was thankful.

As Johnny unpacked the rest of his belongings, Ash couldn't help but recall when her and Lance moved in together.

For the most part, it was purely out of rebellion. Her parents hated Lance and his "lack of ambition and bad influence" as they called it and they refused to accept him into their house anymore and like a stupid teenager who thought she knew everything, she moved out at the ripe age of 16. The many summer jobs and saving her allowances for years were enough to cover deposit and a few months rent and Lance just kinda invited himself to live with her. Ash, at first, tried to ask him to (at very least) help pay for utilities and whatnot, but his excuses seemed to mount. Varying from too busy writing songs, managers giving him bad checks for gigs he performed, to working would impede his 'musical genius'.

Again, like an idiot, she accepted them and kept working one dead-end job after the next to keep their heads above water and praying for the day they'd get their big break. During those years, her own needs were pushed to the background and his kept taking priority. In her heart of hearts, she liked to believe she kept some semblance of independence but who was she kidding? Living under his thumb and working like a dog to keep them afloat as he stayed home and 'wrote music'.

So, when Johnny moved in with her, Ash had absolutely no expectations.

In all actuality, not much changed, just more of his stuff was there and now it was guaranteed they'd be falling asleep and waking up together. It was comfortable, wonderful, and heads and tails over what living with Lance was like. Johnny was clean, helped with chores, shopped, drove her to work, and was just a great guy to live with. There wasn't a single complaint and she thought this was it; that her and Johnny would just live together as boyfriend and girlfriend - a happily ever after she was perfectly fine with.

…Ash _never_ imagined she'd get proposed to…

Sure, she dreamed about it as a naive kid with thoughts of grandeur and little sense of reality. The world seem much bigger then - brighter, clearer… Hell, those thoughts of romance even nagged at her in the back of her mind when she first met Lance. Thought he was so cute and cool - playing the guitar and she even thought his beaver teeth were adorable. For the first few months, she was enthralled with him -feeling like the luckiest girl in the world for having him as her boyfriend. That this guitar playing, semi-popular, laid back guy had noticed her and asked her out - even kissed her on their first date.

Pictured them spending their lives together, eventually getting married, maybe even having a kid one day…

Yet as time went on, they decided to move in together just a month after her 16th birthday. No promise ring, no proposal, just move in together. At first, she was fine with it thinking eventually, they'd be married. It didn't have to happen immediately because both of them were young and she was busy enough struggling to pay the bills than focusing on girly nonsense like marriage anyway.

Still, she believed they'd be together forever.

This was the guy who taught her to play the guitar - chose her as his partner in their band. Lance molded her naive-teenage self into thinking that's all she would be and sadly, she believed it. Thought she owed whatever career she would get to this guy. Perpetual "hot background singer" for the rest of her life; how utterly foolish and blind she was the whole time for Lance never cared. The second she thought for herself for once, he traded her in like those five years together meant absolutely nothing.

Never did she think it would take knowing and falling in love with Johnny to finally make her realize it. How one-sided her and Lance's so called "relationship" was - her the giver, he the taker. There was no love, only him using her naivety to mooch off of her and she sadly allowed it for so long. Desperately under whatever spell he'd cast her under; thinking he actually loved her and planned to be with her like she did him.

Yet Lance never considered that whatsoever.

Never planned to marry her - only planned to make his studio and keep her in the dark about the multiple affairs he'd have when she was away working to pay the bills. Kept her around until her usefulness ran out - or what ultimately happened when she finally went against his orders and did something for herself for a change.

Catching him cheating in their apartment and immediately throwing him out. The perpetual state of depression she found herself in afterward before finally finding her own voice and strength in the talents she pushed to the side for way too long. Over that time, she believed herself over Lance for good and hardly gave the asshole a thought but if she was at all honest with herself, there were some things she had yet to shake off.

It became way more apparent when she began dating Johnny - a lot of hesitance and her own insecurities she pushed on him. Not fully trusting him and keeping him at arms length a lot of the time as if to keep her heart secure. It took a hell of a lot of patience on his part to overlook it and keep dating her even as she made it difficult.

Over the years of dating and one living together - Johnny proved it to her.

When Johnny slid that ring on her finger, she knew for sure what love was.

Glancing up at his face through the blur of her tears and furious pounding of her heart - the resounding 'yes' she whimpered out the only sound she recalled before she was suddenly in his arms and never to be let go again. So in love, so ready to dedicate the rest of her life to him. Partners. Best Friends. Lovers. Future Husband and Wife…she was certain that she was ready for that…

Which brings her to her current predicament - why was she awake now?

This annoying doubt and lingering uncomfortable sensation in her chest even as she lay next to the man she would no doubt be spending the rest of her life with. One she loved more than she ever knew herself capable of.

It didn't make sense…

"Mmm…Hn? A-Ash…you're still awake?" Johnny's accented voice was gentle and thick with sleep when it finally registered in her subconscious. "Is something wrong?"

Thankfully, she didn't flinch at the sudden surprise of him awaking. Playing it cool as her blue eyes turned to her fiance who was staring down at her with concern in those gorgeous chestnut eyes.

"Hmm? No. Nothing's wrong, Johnny...I was just watching a little television. J-Just go back to sleep." she soothed, rubbing and patting his bare chest to lull him back to dreamland, but it didn't work.

Johnny blinked at her then to the clock on the nightstand. His gaze returned to her and he muttered, "It's after three in the morning…Darlin'. Is something the matter?" he asked, caressing her face with a gentle (if a bit clumsy from sleep) hand.

"No. It's nothing…really. I just couldn't sleep and thought a little television would help. Honest." Ash replied, pushing her cheek further into his warm palm.

Johnny didn't look convinced, his eyes clearing up and more awake, he maneuvered his body up a bit and she followed.

"Ash…"

"Heh...Alright," she sighed, "I was just thinking of stuff is all. It's been a crazy few weeks. Ya know - concerts, shows, your dad's court dates and possible parole. All of that plus struggling with my new album - just lots of shit we've had to deal with lately." she finished with an exhausted smile.

"...it wasn't the fact I proposed to you a month ago?"

" **NO**!" Ash blurted out louder than intended. "Of _course_ not. I-I've never been happier, Johnny. Really."

"...this isn't the first night you've woken at this hour…and frankly, I've kind of noticed it happening a lot more often since I popped the question."

Ash should have known Johnny was a lot smarter than a certain aloof ex. Johnny knew her far too well and she should have better expected he'd notice.

"I _want_ to marry you, Johnny." Ash said seriously, "There's **no** doubt in my mind about that.I love you… I-I love you more than I thought it was possible to love anyone and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you. Ya know, getting old and fat and stuff - it's gonna be great!" she chuckled.

"...then what's wrong?" Johnny asked and he suddenly looked so inexplicably sad.

Ash couldn't stand it.

Seeing him in such a state was _not_ acceptable; especially because it was her inability to open up sometimes that was causing it. If she was at all honest with herself, she knew the problem - it wasn't Johnny. It was her causing such distress. Having to confront the fact she was now half to a whole and the inadequate feelings that came with it. Johnny giving her every first he had and her being used and abused for years - not being the woman he deserved but miraculously still wanted anyway.

"I want to marry you - I do - it's just…after Lance, I kinda gave up on the hope I ever would." Ash confessed, with a mirthless chuckle. Her own insecurities about the whole thing and plaguing doubts surfacing to the top were hard to confess but she knew he deserved nothing but the truth.

Johnny opened his mouth as if he wanted to say something but decided against it when she continued.

"Ya know, when you moved in last year, I pictured it going as me and Lance were - stupid as that is. Living together, being comfortable in whatever we had but never taking that extra step…but less than a year of you moving in, you proposed…" Ash murmured; her face heating up in spite of herself when she caught his shy smile.

"...If we're being honest now…I wanted to propose you to you after our first date." he admitted and Ash smirked at the red flush blooming on his cheeks.

"Dork." Ash replied, the statement losing its fire when she kissed his bare chest.

"Heh. I knew you would have turned me down then but I just - I loved you for so long by that point. We'd been best friends for over half a year before you accepted my offer for a date - I fell so fast, Ash. The way I feel for you - have always felt for you - I'd never felt it for anyone before." Johnny chuckled, hand cupping her face and she smiled at him.

"What cemented it for me is when you asked me to move in with you - I knew for sure then that this was really happening and I wanted so bad to ask you, but I was still unsure. _You_ seemed so unsure… I-I didn't want to scare you away, make you feel guilty or pressured but living with you has been amazing! Getting to fall asleep and wake up to your face every day has been a dream come true for me." he continued, brushing her quills back before pressing a chaste kiss to her lips.

"Such a sappy gorilla." she chuckled when he pulled away. One hand absentmindedly caressing his flushed cheeks and the corner of his lips. "I like it…" she finished with a smile but that smile fell when she still had yet to utter the reason for her unrest. The main cause of her lack of sweet slumber at his side.

"...is that what's bothering you? Did I ask too soon? I-I thought since we've been living together for a year, I thought - "

"It's not that, Johnny. It isn't." Ash adjusted in their bed, sitting up fully and pushing another pillow behind her quills before she turned her eyes back to Johnny. "It's not that at all…"

"...then what is it, Love?" he asked.

"..."

"Ash?" he reiterated with all the concern in the world etched into every line of his face.

"...You're going to be an great husband - there's no doubt about that…" she admitted truthfully with a caress of her paw on his cheek, "I'm just worried I'm going to be a fucking terrible wife."

"Why would you say that?"

Ash shrugged, having a hard time meeting his pressing gaze.

"Ash - seriously! Why on earth would you say such a thing? Or even think something like that?" Johnny gently cupped her cheek; turning her face so she had no choice but to look at him. Johnny didn't say anything further, even removed his hand and waited patiently for an answer.

It didn't take long.

"It's _him,_ alright!? It's fucking **him**!" she flinched when her voice cracked. "Ugh. Fucking Lance - I-I should be over the douch-nozzle years ago but _God_ , it still bothers me that I was _so_ **stupid**! There were a million and one obvious signs of what an incredible prick he was the whole time I was with him, but like a idiot, I ignored them! I - I was always giving him the benefit of the doubt every single time and - heh, look where that fuckin' got me…"

"...engaged to me?" Johnny offered and Ash's heart fluttered painfully.

"I _didn't_ mean it like that, Johnny." she grabbed his hand that rested above their shared covers; grasping it as tight as she could. "Please don't even think that - it's just…it's _**me**_ , alright. He twisted me somehow. M-My behavior, my outlook, my personality, I mean…God, I hate to admit, it, but he _really_ fucked me up. Gave me trust issues that I still have to this day, made me question other animal's intentions even over the smallest things - it's so stupid that even after all this time, I still feel this way!" she growled, putting her face in her hands and letting out a few calming breaths as she fought the burn of tears lingering in the backs of her eyes. "I don't want to feel this way anymore…"

Johnny said nothing.

"...and **you**!" Ash suddenly yelped out, eyes wide as she lifted them to meet his stoic gaze, "I was so _horrible_ to you at times. Questioning you, and kept turning you down when you asked me out and I was such a bitch sometimes! Not texting you back or answering your calls - the whole six months before I agreed to a date, I was thinking you were just like him…but you weren't." she whispered, reaching for his hand again. Ever so gingerly rubbing the tips of her fingers over his hairy knuckles. "…nothing like him…"

"..."

"...and now we're gonna get married and I'm still letting that prick bother me! T-That…all those lies he told me, all the times he said I owed my career to him. The times he called or came over after our performance - all the shit he said through the door when I didn't answer! Kept telling me how I just got lucky and I was still only good for the background and never would make it without his help. Heh. That's when he wasn't begging me to take his bitch ass back. As if…"

Ash suddenly quieted when Johnny's other hand appeared above her own; halting her touch as he cradled her small hands in his. She was still and silent as he maneuvered her paws to rest in his must larger palm. His fingers so inexplicably gentle as he rolled her ring and caressed the jewelry and than her knuckles with his thumb. Hair raising on the back of her neck at the pleasant sensation that she couldn't help but scoot closer to him.

"I'm sorry for unloading this shit now, Johnny. I just…" she sighed, her warm breath fluttering his dark fur from where her cheek pressed on his arm. "I'm just stressed is all and it has nothing to do with you - it doesn't. If anything, you're the one keeping me sane. I'll be fine, baby. I promise." Ash looked up at him and smiled but it was apparent, he didn't buy it.

"I hate seeing you like this, Darling." Johnny finally spoke after a long silence. Ash felt herself partly nervous and soothed by the reappearance of his voice but kept herself still as she listened to the soft timbre of it. His voice always calmed her like nothing did… "I hate that he did that to you."

"I was the stupid one, Johnny. I shouldn't have fallen for it." she intervened before she even bothered thinking first.

"I saw how he was treating you, Ash…" Johnny admitted softly, "That day during auditions. The moment I first heard you sing, I immediately knew you were special. Beautiful and such an amazing talent - playing and singing were so incredible and yet this mediocre bloke tried outperforming you - terribly I might add." That caused a chuckle out of her, "It was so obvious how much better you were than him and when Mr. Moon chose you and not him, I was relieved but not surprised. …Yet when he talked, belittling and telling you to give it up - to not come back - I was kinda worried you wouldn't."

Ash stared up at him, heart hammering familiarly against her ribcage as he squeezed her hands in his much larger ones. It always did something to her to see their size comparisons even in the most innocent of things.

"Yet when you showed back up…I was so happy." Johnny continued, "I was glad I'd get to hear you sing again. How you pushed forward even after all of that - the song you wrote and showcased what a strong woman you are." he smiled at her then.

Ash's heart skipped a beat at his words but it did little to stave off the anxiety building steadily in her gut.

Subconsciously thinking back to those moments in front of Buster Moon - how she went back and defended Lance's "musical genius" and how he just didn't understand his talent. Hot shame molten in her gut thinking of how idiotic she must have sounded to Buster's well-trained ears instead of her misguided opinions. It was enough to cause Johnny's kind words to fade to the background and her to get lost in her head and dwell on her own foolishness and mistakes regarding her past.

So lost in her own mind, she didn't care to notice the concern was back on Johnny's face; his warm brown eyes trailing over her pursed lips and furrow of thin brows and blue eyes so helpless and lost in a past she could never fix. For admittedly too long, he allowed it to stew; more perhaps in the hopes she'd bring herself back to the present but he was mistaken when she suddenly blurted out,

"...it doesn't fucking bother you that he had such a say in my present personality? My insecurity, my confidence issues, and my sarcastic dark humor? How withdrawn I became, ignoring everyone, and keeping them at arm's length for so damn long?!"

Johnny's eyes widened at her outburst and all of a sudden, she regretted telling him all her troubles that seemed piss-poor pathetic to the real life issues Johnny had. Mother dying when he was just a kid, moving overseas, having a gang leader for a father, and then subsequently trying to get said father out of the prison system ever since. His reasoning for attending Moon's competition so pure and genuine compared to her own, it made her sick at times. Johnny continually keeping positive and being so encouraging to everyone he met while she pushed everyone away…

"Ash…" Johnny muttered lowly but she wasn't done.

"I just don't _get_ it! Throughout all of this, you still wanted me - some misguided chick hellbent on throwing my sudden fame in Lance's stupid bucked-toothed face! I was SO angry for so long…and damn, I was such a bitch!"

The look that crossed his face had her flinch away from him suddenly. His comforting hands squeezing her own were nothing she deserved at this moment. Not his love, his beautiful eyes and concerned tilt of his brows - none of that! A cold wind swept through her chest cavity as she pushed away his warmth and got swallowed by the anxiety and guilt she'd been feeling all night.

"Oh my God, I'm sorry I woke you up for this - j-just _please_ forget I said anything, okay?" Ash huffed pathetically before pulling her hands out of his slight grasp and plopping herself back onto the bed.

Taut quills turned toward him for the first time in what may have been forever; biting her lip and tried her damnedest to keep it together. She felt **so** stupid in venting over meaningless problems with him in the middle of the night. Johnny had gone above and beyond for her and yet she finds herself complaining over emotional baggage she should have been over years ago! This was her problem - her qualms and a past she couldn't escape - not his and she needed to face it alone.

Johnny more or less stayed quiet and she hoped to God he would just take her advice and go back to sleep; simply ignore her tantrum and lay down and she could deal with it herself…

 _That of course didn't happen._

It all started with the bed shifting slightly, squeaking a bit under him adjusting his weight until she felt his magnetic presence behind her.

Johnny, ignoring the stabbing promise of her quills (as usual), lay down behind her when his hands suddenly appeared on her sides. Massive hands that covered the area between the middle of her rip cage and brushing the tops of her thighs in the most gentle of embraces. With soft gestures, he was able to convince her to roll over until she was reluctantly facing him.

Acting stubbornly, she still refused to meet his gaze even as he slipped his index underneath the seam of her oversized, worn shirt to caress at the silky soft fur of her belly in the way that always turned her insides to mush. Angered continence she was grasping onto for dear life began melting away as his fingers continued their gentle ministrations.

"Ash…" he muttered, accent thicker than usual as he vied for her attention. Not getting it even after waiting patiently for more then a minute, he continued anyway. Lowering himself down more to her, he brushed his cheek over hers, mouth close to her ear, he spoke.

"I didn't fall in love with you and want to marry you in spite of your past…" Ash closed her eyes as he whispered so softly in her ear, "I want to marry you _because_ of it…"

"...why?" she couldn't help but ask; voice breaking a bit as she muttered it into the fur of his neck that she buried her face into.

"I didn't ask you out or fall in love ignoring your past with Lance - the bloody wanker." he said and Ash couldn't help but giggle at the profanity (well, profane for Johnny anyway), "I fell in love with you because of how you handled it. Sure, you were beautiful and bouncy, and just - heh…absolutely adorable, but you were strong too. Resilient and powerful in your own right despite your size. Besides, if you changed all that happened - even anything - we may never have met."

Ash lifted her head from his neck to finally peer up at him; his hands never leaving her hips as he sat up a bit to lean on his elbow and she sat up to be more eye-level with him as he continued.

"It was the way you dealt with him doing something so dastardly to you was incredible to me and, don't get me wrong, it still is." he breathed, brushing his hand along her hips and back, "How you also gave me a chance even when you were still recovering from it; allowed me in your life when you were so unsure about me or my intentions. Letting me experience a glimpse into your life even when your heart was still broken."

"So whenever I said no to a date, it didn't bother you?" she asked, recalling all of those times he gently asked if she wanted to go out to eat or for coffee and she kept turning him down over and over again

"Truthfully? No. Even if all you wanted was friendship, that was enough for me. Getting to see you in and out of work and being with you was worth it even if that's where it ended. You're such an amazing girl and being your friend was enough for me even if my heart would have always wanted more."

A single tear slipped down her cheek and before she could brashly rub it away, Johnny lifted his hand and did it for her.

"...but I guess my persistence paid off." he chuckled and Ash couldn't help but smile at the gentle timbre of his voice, "You did say yes…and look where we are now."

Ash fell silent for a moment, taking in his words and thinking back to the long road of getting here. A road filled with trials, reluctance, and more joy than she ever fathomed was possible - one she wouldn't have changed for the world.

Was it easy?

No.

…but was it worth it?

 _Fuck_ yes.

The realization had her glancing up at him and damn, the smile he gave her was so radiant, sweet, and genuine, she couldn't help but return it.

Arms lifting of their own accord until her small paws were cradling his furry cheeks. The ring on her finger catching the light and she absorbed this moment for a long time. From the ring to his face and back again - absorbing the amazing fact that Johnny didn't care about her past; didn't allow it to define her whatsoever. Johnny saw it as strength over Lance's weakness - pushing forward in spite of it all being thrown against her and coming out on top. Not as a crutch or scar she bore on her heart - a lesson learned and a true love gained.

Looking in Johnny's chestnut eyes now, it seemed to make all the sense in the world.

Johnny fought for her as much as she did for herself and her independence. Wanting to be with her even during the times when she tried to push him away; led herself into believing she didn't deserve happiness - deserve him. Yet, Johnny fought. Continually asking her and gently coercing her to give him a chance even if it was only as a friend. Johnny was willing to give up his own desires at a romance if it meant to keep whatever they had - and that struck her deep right now.

How if she kept those walls up, she would never know what it was like to fall asleep in his arms and wake up to his face. The happiness contained in a single smile he bestowed to her over a cup of coffee or tea in the morning when she still looked like utter hell with quills smushed and make-up smeared. The gentleness of which he used whenever he touched her; hands that could lift massive stone pillars and push elephants out of flooding theaters were as light as a summer breeze on her fur. Cupping her face in his massive hands and kissing her like she was the most precious thing in the world.

So many things Lance never did…but Johnny did.

Isn't that all that mattered?

Ash, heart still hammering, brushed her thumbs over his face with his smile never waning for even a moment. The joy of getting to meet his eyes and knowing what their future held - a marriage, trust and love that wasn't deserved but given anyway.

In that moment, she couldn't help but kiss him. Leaned forward - lips meeting his in a simple, chaste kiss; their noses brushing as the hand resting on her bum gently pulled her closer to him to deepen it…and in this moment, she allowed those fears and doubts that seemed to insurmountable to fade away.

Focusing only on the feel of his mouth and soft tendrils of his breath on her face. Incredible warmth of his body as she only scooted closer to him; hands leaving his cheeks to cradle his jaw and tilt his head to deepen their liplock further. Taste of him sweet and a slight hint of spicy cinnamon from the toothpaste he loved, the scent of rain bodywash on his fur and fresh linen of their blankets surrounding her in encapsulating comfort. The sensation of his hands cradling her close and she couldn't help the slight moan when his hand cupped her bum and pulled her even closer to his addicting presence.

As their kiss became more passionate and Johnny more embolden by her reactions to his touch (and when she found herself suddenly under him) Ash completely forgot why she had been bothered at all…

Some time later when they lay bare with each other, Ash found herself still awake yet again. Body humming pleasantly, she smiled at her slumbering fiance. In this moment with her head on his chest and lulled by the sound of his strong heartbeat, the anxiety that had been eating away at her was gone - lost in his kisses, touch, and love she never knew she needed once upon a time.

The life before Johnny feeling more like a strange dream than anything.

The past with Lance inescapable, sure. It happened and that could never be changed. Yes, she felt as if those years she spent with Lance were nothing but wasted opportunities and unreachable goals but Johnny didn't think so and she had to admit that he was right.

Five years of her life with Lance ripped out from under her and gone in one night - how she pulled herself out with her guitar and a song. Strength to move past her own insecurities he instilled in her, pushing forward despite the sting of the ultimate betrayal to reveal a talent she'd hidden in the background for too long, and how he'd try to keep her down throughout it all - yet, here she was.

A recording artist working on her second album with a worldwide tour soon after, an amazing boss, great friends at the theater who did nothing but encourage her and soon, she was going to be married to her best friend…

How could life possibly be any better?

As she lay here and allowed herself to think about her past, she came to the conclusion that perhaps all the shit with Lance needed to happen to make herself who she was today. The present she felt so lucky to wake up (reluctantly sometimes) to every morning - going to practices and performances and finally a recording studio she used to only dream about.

It was her beautiful reality…

Icy blue eyes fell on her future husband and she couldn't stop the smile that lifted the corners of her mouth. _Her future._ A future at his side was the biggest surprise as of yet.

When she first met the handsome gorilla, she hated to admit it, but she didn't trust him. Far too attractive to be as genuine as he showcased himself to be. Pushing all her insecurities on him as he continually opened himself up to her; befriended her even as she was so reluctant - it was scary how easy he was to talk to. Over time, it scared her how fast she was growing to rely on him even as she constantly tried to push him away. Like some demented gravitational pull that she eventually gave into - and damn, she was so happy she did.

Ash's eyes fell to his chest where her left hand lay - the ring, a promise, and a future that made her dreadful past worth it. Ash would be foolish to think her past wouldn't ever come up again - she knew at some point, the past would occasionally come up but she knew with Johnny at her side…she could get through it. Eyelids and breath growing heavy, Ash stopped fighting the oncoming sleep. Closing her eyes and hugging Johnny close - mind pleasantly calm as she looked forward to whatever the future held for both of them.


End file.
